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Franca
02-22-2005, 10:37 AM
Couldn't resist - these just tickled my funny bone today. (Not the "QA" you thought I meant, is it?)

Qantas Airlines gripes and fixes:
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
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(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
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P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

DickM
02-22-2005, 11:02 AM
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

I'm not sure I feel safer after reading all the comments...

terrie
02-22-2005, 11:04 AM
Toooo ROFL'ing funny!!!

Terrie

annc
02-22-2005, 11:55 AM
Hmm, I find it strange that Qantas staff would spell the name of their employer with a 'u', or that they would spell 'tyres' with an 'i'.

But it is funny.

Proudest Monkey
02-22-2005, 12:31 PM
LOL!...Loved it!

Richard Hunt
02-22-2005, 12:57 PM
Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

Err, not quite - wasn't there a 747-400 which belly-flopped at Bangkok a few years ago? No fatalities though. From http://www.atsb.gov.au/atsb/media/mrel008.cfm "the accident occurred when the B747-400 landed well beyond the normal touchdown zone and then aquaplaned on a runway that was affected by water following very heavy rain. The crew omitted to use either full or idle reverse thrust during the landing. The aircraft was still moving at 88 kts (163 km/h) at the end of the runway and stopped 220 m later in soft turf with its nose on the airport perimeter road. A precautionary evacuation was made using emergency escape slides about 20 minutes later." I understand that the slides cost over $150,00 (US) a go...
Also see http://www.airsafe.com/events/nofatals.htm

Richard Hunt

Franca
02-22-2005, 05:31 PM
Hmm, I find it strange that Qantas staff would spell the name of their employer with a 'u', or that they would spell 'tyres' with an 'i'.

But it is funny.Well, a couple of times they did and a couple of times they didn't. So which were the typos and which were how they thought it was really spelled? ;-) Shouldn't it be QANTAS anyway?

Franca
02-22-2005, 05:35 PM
I wonder if this thing started circulating prior to April 2001? The incident occurred in 1999 but perhaps it wasn't officially an "accident" till 2001. =:-o

I never expect these things to be accurate anyway - just thought it was more amusing than most!

annc
02-22-2005, 08:04 PM
Shouldn't it be QANTAS anyway?Not any longer, except as part of their logoform.

http://www.qantas.com.au

Franca
02-22-2005, 09:43 PM
Not any longer, except as part of their logoform.

http://www.qantas.com.auThey don't explain the change, at least not as far as I read. Maybe sort of like Federal Express deciding to be FedEx since that's what everyone was calling it? Except FedEx changed the logo, too.

annc
02-22-2005, 09:46 PM
They don't explain the change, at least not as far as I read. Maybe sort of like Federal Express deciding to be FedEx since that's what everyone was calling it? Except FedEx changed the logo, too.I think there was an official change. Maybe when they were listed on the stock exchange. These things tend to just pass me by. <g>

djb
02-23-2005, 12:18 PM
Qantas Airlines gripes and fixes:

I first saw these attributed to the USAF. Or was it the RAF?

Franca
02-23-2005, 12:23 PM
Yes ... these tales do tend to "morph" over the years! It's quite possible I've seen them before as well, but that was one of the marbles that's dropped out of my head already.